i

just want to feel like i belong again. :[

-- jenmurda.

THIS TIME!

I worked 12-5 today. I seriously don't know how I'm doing this, but I feel a hell of a lot better that I am, I'm not going to ask any questions. haha.


Tonight we threw a surprise party for Nolan. Kyle and I had been putting this shit together for WEEKS haha I'm so happy that it actually worked out and he was surprised and everything. The party itself was pretty intense, such a good time.
I was just thnking back on the amount of parties that this group of friends and I have had the past few months. They've been so awesome.

I just wish I was friends with everyone before like october, Kelly included. haha I feel like I missed out on a lot. They've made me realize what real friends are, and how things are supposed to be. I have never been happier in my whole life than I am right now. My friends make me laugh so hard. I keep calling them friends but they're really family. If you guys ever read this, I love youuuu x 1billion. I'm just so sad everyone's moving though. I feel like I'm going to be really alone, but maybe I won't be. I'm just worried.

That's all before I get too depressed. haha Tonight's not a night for that.

-- Jenmurda.

So it's been a while.

.. and I feel those old feelings coming back. Maybe not really old, but a few months old. I like where this is going. Maybe this time we can follow through. Start feeling complete and stop paying dues.

I worked tonight. I stood for 5 whole hours and didn't feel like I wanted to die when I got home. That made me so happy. Seriously. Because I didn't expect to be able to do it. Maybe this means I've turned the corner, and if that's the case then thank you JESUS. It's been almost a year.

Surprise tomorrow night!

-- Jenmurda.

it's been a damn long time

I've really been neglecting this lately.
I'm completely done with school. I ended up with a 3.5, which i was happy with but I would have been happier if I could have pulled off an A instead of A-'s in my classes. But considering the amount of hell this semester was I'm really proud of what I've done. I guess things work out in ways you never expect. Like when this whole school year began, I was having heart attacks over one of my professors, my advisor, getting fired/leaving the school. I thought I was screwed entirely and that I was going to have to spend an extra semester at school and everything. It really worked out for me though. I'm lucky.
Other than that things have been good, my back was creepy for a while but I feel better again.
My friends rule.
I'm going to pittsburgh june 6th.

peace out.

Neglect

So I just finished my junior year of college today. I kind of can't handle it. I don't feel like writing right now.


-- Jenmurda.

Seriously..

I'm coming to the realization that all my friends are moving this summer. It's ridiculous. Erik moved back to jersey yesteday, tia and jon are moving the first day of june and then kelly's moving in july. Like real life moving, all of them are going to be so far away and I'm literally going to have no one to hang out with. I'm so excited for summer but then when I think about it I'm really not, I don't want to see the friendships I have now, end. I know that they won't but like I also know that people moving creates obvious distances and that always weakens the bond between people. I'm going to try my hardest to prevent that from happening but I don't know that I can and that's what scares me.
I'm also so bored right now and there's no one to go out. =(

-- Jen.

This time..

Shine a light, shine a light on me please. Like I said in the post before this, I don't know what's been eating at me lately. However, it really hit home when I found out that my Aunt Florence passed away this morning. RIP, i love you<3. That's all I'm going to say about it because to explain the rest of it, I'd sound crazy because it'd comeout in pieces, I can't type everything that's inside my head.
Then after Jon left this morning I went to church, went to school for a scholarship thing, came home and showered and stuff, then went with my mom to pick up my nana. After we got nana, I came home and sat down for literally two minutes. Then went to big jake's bithday party. I want to say it was a really good time but I can't bring myself to do so. I'm positive it's because I was really, the only single one there. There was Megan and Will and Sallyann and Tracy and Lindsay and John and Linda and JimCasey. So I ended up like a forreal 16th wheel. I just felt so awkward and out of place with my friends. Granted Will and Megan are hilarious and so is everyone else it was just like, I was by myself. Like I am all the time. We even went to take a picture at the end like we do every year and we got one with all the girls, and then we took one with the boys and everyone paired up with their boyfriends and there I was, standing there the odd man out. I didn't even know where to stand. It was like a prom picture and I didn't have a date, again. That might seem so so so so so so petty and make me look like an idiot, but whatever. It bothered me.
It just made me sad. Most of the time I'm fine by myself, independent, but then there's times like this when I wish that I could have someone to bring with me? Someone to always be there for things? A real life boyfriend/bestfriend? You know? Someone to hug every now and then? Someone to watch movies with? Someone who doesn't care if we just hang out at my house for 15 hours?

I know I'm not the one, I know I am not the one.

- Jen.