i

just want to feel like i belong again. :[

-- jenmurda.

THIS TIME!

I worked 12-5 today. I seriously don't know how I'm doing this, but I feel a hell of a lot better that I am, I'm not going to ask any questions. haha.


Tonight we threw a surprise party for Nolan. Kyle and I had been putting this shit together for WEEKS haha I'm so happy that it actually worked out and he was surprised and everything. The party itself was pretty intense, such a good time.
I was just thnking back on the amount of parties that this group of friends and I have had the past few months. They've been so awesome.

I just wish I was friends with everyone before like october, Kelly included. haha I feel like I missed out on a lot. They've made me realize what real friends are, and how things are supposed to be. I have never been happier in my whole life than I am right now. My friends make me laugh so hard. I keep calling them friends but they're really family. If you guys ever read this, I love youuuu x 1billion. I'm just so sad everyone's moving though. I feel like I'm going to be really alone, but maybe I won't be. I'm just worried.

That's all before I get too depressed. haha Tonight's not a night for that.

-- Jenmurda.

So it's been a while.

.. and I feel those old feelings coming back. Maybe not really old, but a few months old. I like where this is going. Maybe this time we can follow through. Start feeling complete and stop paying dues.

I worked tonight. I stood for 5 whole hours and didn't feel like I wanted to die when I got home. That made me so happy. Seriously. Because I didn't expect to be able to do it. Maybe this means I've turned the corner, and if that's the case then thank you JESUS. It's been almost a year.

Surprise tomorrow night!

-- Jenmurda.

it's been a damn long time

I've really been neglecting this lately.
I'm completely done with school. I ended up with a 3.5, which i was happy with but I would have been happier if I could have pulled off an A instead of A-'s in my classes. But considering the amount of hell this semester was I'm really proud of what I've done. I guess things work out in ways you never expect. Like when this whole school year began, I was having heart attacks over one of my professors, my advisor, getting fired/leaving the school. I thought I was screwed entirely and that I was going to have to spend an extra semester at school and everything. It really worked out for me though. I'm lucky.
Other than that things have been good, my back was creepy for a while but I feel better again.
My friends rule.
I'm going to pittsburgh june 6th.

peace out.

Neglect

So I just finished my junior year of college today. I kind of can't handle it. I don't feel like writing right now.


-- Jenmurda.

Seriously..

I'm coming to the realization that all my friends are moving this summer. It's ridiculous. Erik moved back to jersey yesteday, tia and jon are moving the first day of june and then kelly's moving in july. Like real life moving, all of them are going to be so far away and I'm literally going to have no one to hang out with. I'm so excited for summer but then when I think about it I'm really not, I don't want to see the friendships I have now, end. I know that they won't but like I also know that people moving creates obvious distances and that always weakens the bond between people. I'm going to try my hardest to prevent that from happening but I don't know that I can and that's what scares me.
I'm also so bored right now and there's no one to go out. =(

-- Jen.

This time..

Shine a light, shine a light on me please. Like I said in the post before this, I don't know what's been eating at me lately. However, it really hit home when I found out that my Aunt Florence passed away this morning. RIP, i love you<3. That's all I'm going to say about it because to explain the rest of it, I'd sound crazy because it'd comeout in pieces, I can't type everything that's inside my head.
Then after Jon left this morning I went to church, went to school for a scholarship thing, came home and showered and stuff, then went with my mom to pick up my nana. After we got nana, I came home and sat down for literally two minutes. Then went to big jake's bithday party. I want to say it was a really good time but I can't bring myself to do so. I'm positive it's because I was really, the only single one there. There was Megan and Will and Sallyann and Tracy and Lindsay and John and Linda and JimCasey. So I ended up like a forreal 16th wheel. I just felt so awkward and out of place with my friends. Granted Will and Megan are hilarious and so is everyone else it was just like, I was by myself. Like I am all the time. We even went to take a picture at the end like we do every year and we got one with all the girls, and then we took one with the boys and everyone paired up with their boyfriends and there I was, standing there the odd man out. I didn't even know where to stand. It was like a prom picture and I didn't have a date, again. That might seem so so so so so so petty and make me look like an idiot, but whatever. It bothered me.
It just made me sad. Most of the time I'm fine by myself, independent, but then there's times like this when I wish that I could have someone to bring with me? Someone to always be there for things? A real life boyfriend/bestfriend? You know? Someone to hug every now and then? Someone to watch movies with? Someone who doesn't care if we just hang out at my house for 15 hours?

I know I'm not the one, I know I am not the one.

- Jen.

I GUESS..

Some things never go the way you expect them to.

Then you realize your expectations were really only dreams plotted out in your mind to make something better than it ever could be. Something that can never be achieved and I'm sure that's why they call it a dream. I think the worst feeling though is realizing that your dream will never be that realization that you hoped and pondered over for so long. Something you can touch, taste, feel, see etc. It's not materializing and I don't think we can handle that sometimes. Because we get so caught up in whats going on and who we are then to look at reality and the reality of everything around us. I think if we all took a little more time to look at what's REAL rather than what's inside our heads (that we're nitpicking every single second)then maybe life would be easier than what it is.
I don't know why I'm writing this or what my motivation is. What the Hell?
I think the thing I hate the most are expectations. Expectations on how to act, and how to conduct things, and how to be socially acceptable. Fuck socially acceptable.

I am so frustrated right now that I can't even write. Seriously. I don't know why. I want to like rip my bones out from the inside if that even makes sense. Something is eating at me, and I just wish that I could figure out what it is already. It's hard to admit but it's the same feeling for the last two months. I just wish I knew what it was. =(

And on top of that I'm lonely.

This just keeps getting better.

-- Jen. 117

When I was 14 I was fallin' fast..

So, since the new laptop I realized how much I actually listened to music. haha I really miss all the stuff that was on my old computer but maybe this is a sign for me to move on. Maybe I need to forget about the past and concern myself with new things. I know I've been saying that for a while. I've been telling myself the same thing but just never doing anything about it. Maybe it's time for a change. So I'm going to work on it. That will be the goal for this summer. Do everything I've always been too afraid to do. That's it for now. I'm going to watch the rest of ugly betty and then greys anatomy and then I'm going to bed. I'm exceptionally tired tonight and this weekend is promising some ridiculousness. haha And I can't wait.

-- <3

Jenmurdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Seriously..

I have the absolute best parents alive, forreal. My laptop broke today, like full on man down. I was freaking out about it and didn't know what to do. My mom and I took it to best buy to see if they could fix it, but they said my motherboard was SHOT. Which is exceptionally weird because this was the second motherboard I've gone through since I got the computer. That is definitely not normal. So then I was really sad because a new motherboard costs like 500 dollars. But my parents stepped in there and offered to buy me a new laptop, whichever one I wanted. I ended up getting a brand new HP Pavilion laptop and it is seriously beautiful. You can burn dvd's, engrave things into actual burned cd's, its got 3 gigs of memory and a killer graphics card and all these other super fun features. I'm so happy with it it's insane. I am so greatful for my parents. I know a lot of people don't have the best relationships with their parents so I feel exceptionally lucky to have mine. They do so much for me the past year with my back and everything it's about time that I start doing nice things for them.

In other news, the summer countdown is approximately 11 days.

I'm making dirt with my chem fam tomorrow, that should be fun.

-- Jenmurda.

Country..

If you're calling about my heart.. it's still yours.
I should have listened to it a little more.

I need to figure out my life, not school, my legit life.

I'm going for ice cream with Kelly now, and I'm wearing a skirt, and it looks like it's going to thunderstorm, I'm kind of pumped about it.

-- Jenmurda.

Creepy Professor Party Time..

I went to a party at Dr. Saladino's hizzle today. Man. It was craaaaaazy. First of all, everyone forgot directions, so we were following this kid Jonathan there and I swear to christ he was driving like literally 110 miles an hour, because I was going at least 95 and still couldnt catch up to him. So there we are, no directions, trusting pure instinct hah but we caught up eventually and followed them to the house. Speaking of it was absolutely gorgeous. It was this huge lake house, with pillars and white leather couches and a huge kitchen and even bigger basement. A beautiful outside deck with a fantastic view. I thought that this party was going to be mad creepy but it was actually really really fun. Dr. Duffy and his wife and dog were there so I was pumped that I finally got to meet them hahah. Pedersen made it, as well as Dr. Touhey, wife and son in tow, along with Dr. Coniglio and not to mention 15 students, total. Linda brought JimCasey and big jake with her, so that was a good time. We got some cute pictures, ate Saladino home cooked food and hung out. We ended up staying a lot longer than we originally planned but it's all good. It was a good day altogether. It made me realize how lucky I am to have such fantastic friends. It also made me feel a little better knowing that I'm going to have good people in my labs next year, people I get along with and stuff because I'm not with my chemfam next year so I was worried about it haha I'm such a freaking nerd. But I can bet anyone that I'm 100 percent different than any science major you've ever met. That's for sure.

Also, it made me kind of sad that Saladino was living in that huge beautiful house, with his nice... well pretty much everything haha all by himself. He has all these beautiful things and no one to share them with. It just made me sad I think because I pictured myself in that situation. Like, me in this huge house, with everything I could ever want, and it was just me, alone. I have a feeling I'm heading there, with a bunch of cats. =( haha I hate when this happens. Forreal. Like, I just feel lonely sometimes. Like right now is a perfect example, when we got back from the party, Lindsay was going to her boyfriends house, Megan was going to go back to school and then home with her boyfriend for today/sunday, Sallyann and Tracy were going back to her house to hang out, Linda and JimCasey were going to jersey to hang out with her family, and where am i? I'm home. By myself. It just kind of sucks sometimes when everyone's like OH im going to go do this with my bf or I bought him such and such for christmas and I kind of sit there like "well this is nice".

My life will never change. It doesn't matter how old I get, I always feel the same.

- Jen

Just one second..

I just had one of those moments in your life when everything makes sense.
This happens really really really rarely with me. haha I never know what the hell I'm doing or where I'm going with anything, but for some reason right now everything is clicking. I'm getting things done, I'm saying how I really feel, I'm making my friendships stronger, I'm actually accomplishing school to the best of my ability, It's almost summer, I feel like if I needed to that I could say how I feel and not worry about it, no selfconsciousness etc. Maybe it's growing up, maybe it's getting older, maybe it's none of these things. But all I know is that I'm in an exceptionally good place in my life and even if it's just for today then I'll go with it.

I am happy.

-- Jenmurda.

I miss..

I miss two summers ago. When things were so much fun. Not that I like hate my life now, I just don't like being older and having more responsibility.

In other news, I finished almost all the work I have to get done for this semester.
I wrote a 14 page brief yesterday night in three whole hours. It was so intense but I have to say, as gay as it sounds, I was really proud of myself for getting it done, and sticking to it.

This weekend should be fun, huge show tomorrow night, and Saladino Shindig on Saturday afternoon. I'm really pumped to see Dr. Duffy. And inform him that I finally have some sort of direction in my life. And then who knows what on Sunday, maybe bingo?! That'd be mad fun, we haven't gone in a while. I'll be Ann misses us. hahahaha. TEAM BINGO!

That's all for now I'm gonna go take a nap before law class tonight.

We Keep It So G-A-N-G-S-T-A.

-- Jenmurdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Reflect.

I'm having an edge party tonight, it's bound to be ridiculous.

I taught big don how to play guitar hero today, that was also ridiculous.


-- Jenmurdaaaaaaaaa.

whatever

I'm so incredibly sick of everything.
Seriously.
I hope this weekend is fun!

I think that I've watched the movie twister over 200 times. Maybe more than that even. I don't know why I like it so much. Bill Paxton, Helen Hunt etc. I can quote all the lines. It's insane.
I need to plan a party. hahahaha. for what I can't say but I need to get on it.

-- Jenmurda.

You caught me off guard..

Now i'm running and screaming. etc. etc.
I'm so bored and I'm thinking about my life. I've figured out that when I want something really really bad, when it finally comes my way or kind of comes my way I push it away. I've done it recently and it was a horrible move, but what else is new. haha. I just saw a commercial that said almost giving is the same as not giving at all. I think that pretty much sums up my current situation.
Charleton Heston died today? or last night? I just found that out now. That's weird. I liked him, he was an alright dude. He was in the ten commandments movie which i have a strange liking for. If I wasn't straightedge I'd pour out a 40 for Charlie. Hell maybe I'll do it anyway. Like the time I was at the chinese restaurant and the dude bought 7 forties. I should have just asked him for one. However he was a drug dealer so that probably would have ended badly.
I'm in such a weird mood right now. I'm busting out witty statements left and right. It's kind of ridiculous.
Everyone I asked to hang out today told me no. It was weird so I went out by myself. Just to get some taco bell. I really wanted ritas but I guess that'll have to wait until sometime during the week. Actually probably tomorrow.
I love college basketball so much.
My mind is all over the place.
It's 11:33 on a Sunday night and I'm watching Two and a Half Men on FOX.
My aunt Florence isn't doing well at all. My nana's been here all weekend to go see her. My Uncle Larry is also a mess, he has cancer too and is in the hospital as well. So everyone's kind of freaking out. Cancer makes me really nervous. I think it's why I want to go into biochem so I can do drug research and who even knows, maybe come up with a cure for cancer. That would be crazy. I would love to do that. I doubt it'll happen, but one can dream. At least I've developed some direction in my life since I posted in here a couple weeks ago. I want to get my phD in Biochem and possibly pharmacology. I think that'll the best for me.
I think that's all I'm going to write for now. I'm getting tired.

-- Jenmurda.

HEY.. HEY GUYS

Tonight was seriously so much fun.
Despite the fact that my back and hip area went numb for approximately 39 minutes.
I want Ritas.
I want to play rockband.
I'm mad tired now though so I'm going to bed, holla.


-- Jenmurdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Seein' Red...

Boys don't like chemists I guess, plain and simple.


-- Jennnnmmuurrddaaaaa.

Oh man.

I was in a relatively good mood today. And then I went out for a while and came home and completely deflated. I have no idea why. I'm not mad or anything I'm just incredibly... sad? lonely? Something like that. It's just weird because there's no real reason for it. Nothing that I could think of anyway. Maybe it's one of those like under the surface things that's bothering you but you don't want to admit it's bothering you therefore you have no desire to figure out what it is.
I think I might need to get out of this town, like bad. I'm so sick of the same thing, all the godddamn time.
My life is at a stand still it feels like. I'm sick of living for everyone else. I want to do my own thing, what's the problem with that you ask? I don't know how.

-- Jen.

You'll never live this down, you'll never live this down..

There's seriously 4 weeks of school left, as of today. approximately 29 days. I don't even know what to do. I have SO MUCH to do. I have to come up with a service project for dead alchemist society, as well as a fundraiser, I also have to write a brief for law, do two in depth shakespeare projects, a biochem project, a diff. eq. test and two problem sets, more biochem tests as well as figuring out my life and what I'm going to research next year and seeing if I could do some research this summer. I am going to explode. If I still have brain cells by the end of this semester I want to start this summer off right. I want to do awesome things. I can't wait to see what's in store. Another thing I forgot is signing up for orientation. Hot damn, I need to get reccomendations for that. ALIJSDJALKSJDLAKSJDA.
I'm hanging out with kelly tomorrow because I havent seen her in an inordinate amount of time.
I hope this weekend is fun. =)


After the party it's the waffle house.

-- Jenmurdaaaaaaaaaaaa. <3

isnt that what you said? what you thought this song meant?

I think I want to be wanted. That's the problem here.


Baby we were born to run.
-- Jenmurdaaaaaaaaa.

HELLO, HELLO, HELLO?

My back has been ridiculously shitty lately. I have no idea what's going on with it but I found out yesterday that my piriformus muscle is fucked. It's apparently called piriformus syndrome and what it is is like.. you keep this one muscle, aptly named the PIRIFORMUS muscle which is a huge muscle in your hip and you keep it like INCREDIBLY tight, ALL the time. Therefore that causes horrible pain in your hip and sciatic nerve and down your leg and stuff, and guess who got stuck with that one? ME. So stupid. Seriously. I'm going to cut my legs off.
In other news, I feel like I haven't seen my friends at all the past couple weeks. I think it's been because of my back, and I'm not going through that again. So I need to get on the stick and get better.
TEAM BINGO! needs a reunion, asap.
I watched so much Bravo! today. Seriously. It is literally all I watch anymore. Today it was Make me A Supermodel. Yesterday it was Top Chef and the day before it was Real Housewives of Orange County. So good. hahahaha.
I also need to make a trip out to Pittsburgh soon, well whenever I can. Jon Davis and I need to hang out. Stat.
Also, I somehow end up always watching the finales of reality tv shows. I never watch them during the season but I always tune into the finales. I'm not sure why. i.e. I'm watching the finale of the celebrity apprentice right now, and I don't even like the celebrity apprentice. In fact I don't even like Donald Trump. So what the hell? I don't know.
I think I'm going to start recording my dreams in here because I've been having the weirdest dreams ever. It's hard to explain. It's like I'll dream about things I'd do in real life but completely distorted like me doing things I'd never do. Kind of like a fight club type thing? Living vicariously through another person but in this case it's dreams. I'm not talking to that extremity but it's just so weird.
I am listening to a nickelback song right now.
I HAVE OFFICIALLY LOST MY GODDAMN MIND.


And we danced on into the nightttt.
-- Jenmurdaaaaa. <3

oh hai

No but seriously, I absolutely love LOLCATS. I look at them and laugh like uncontrollably when I'm like sitting here by myself. It's insane.
Also, Dave Letterman is talking about Osama BinLaden and the tapes and whatnot he releases and like, weren't we supposed to pick him off like 10 years ago? Unbelieveable.
Also, I'm mad tired right now, I want to go to sleep but my back's been killing me and I haven't been able to at all. Like I'll literally sleep for 50 minutes, wake up and just sit in pain for the next 9 hours. It's so fucking gay. That's all.
I have diff. Eq. at 8 tomorrow morning. I have a test in a week in that class. That's gonna be ridiculous. I don't want to fail, however, i got a B+ on my problem set for that so I'm in alright shape.
In other news, I watched Britney Spear's return to television tonight. She was a bible toting hooker on How I Met Your Mother. It was pretty funny, you know.
ALSO my new favorite show, well old favorite, they just stopped it because of the writers strike is MOST DEFINTELY 100 PERCENT Big Bang Theory. It is seriously so funny. It's all about science and stuff, I think that's why I find it like 100 % hilarious. Like I was watching it before and they're throwin out these science jokes and I was like literally DIEING. So funny.
I'm rambling.
Rambo.
Bimbo.
Bamboo.
BooBoo.
Broseph.
Stephanie Tanner.
Tan.
Night.
Hold on!
^ If a psychologist examined that it would probably prove that I'm crazy.

That's all.
-- Jenmurdaaaaaaaa.

encapsulated

I was looking about 10 minutes ago at old pictures or just pictures I came across you know and I don't know why but it's so hard for me to see the way my life used to be. When you see your life encapsulated in a picture or set of pictures with different people in different places, laughing hysterically, being ridiculous, I'm trying to think of an easy way to explain this and I can't, but like it makes me miss it so much. Not miss it in the sense that I miss living that life because I don't really.. I like my life now better than I ever have.. but miss it in the way that I wonder how things would be if some things never changed. Where would I be? Who would I be? Would I still be a chem major? Would I look like I do? Not that that even effects those things but in a way it does. I wish I could make more sense out of this, it makes sense in my head haha.
In other news, I went to see my Aunt Florence in hospice tonight. She has cancer of the esophagus and it spread to her liver and she's just not doing well at all. I volunteered to take my nana to see her because that's my nana's favorite sister and my mom etc. couldn't go because she's sick. So I walk in with my cousin's Alison and Sarah who I don't get to see all the time because we're all at school and whatnot and Alison was like prepare yourself because it's probably going to be worse than you expect. And it was. Her skin was just so yellow and she was so skinny and couldn't eat. But all that put aside my 7 of my other cousins were there and I love to see my family but she was SO HAPPY to see everyone there. Seriously. She kept saying "I'm so happy everyone's here and I'm so happy and I love all of you, you're all my grand children". This made me really sad, this lady is on the verge of death and all she wanted was to see her whole family there and we were but that's probably the last time I'll see her. It just makes me want to cry because when I see her and my nana together I know how they were once always joking around and stuff and my nana tries to make her laugh and everything and I don't know, it's just sad. The other thing about my Aunt Florence, we always used to have thanksgiving at her house and everyone would get together and it would be ridiculous. We just don't do that anymore and its depressing. Also my Aunt Florence always used to tell me how pretty I looked( I don't care how cliche that sounds she's really the only one who ever told me.) even if I looked like visible crap, which is usually. I'll always remember that, forever. I was glad though that the last time I saw her, albeit probably the last, she was happy and laughing and joking. That's how it should be for everyone. And a lesson? Don't smoke. Seriously. Smoking is disgusting and you're visibly killing yourself. And you smell like cigarettes all the time, attractive right?

It's easter tomorrow, I hope that it's a good one. I hope my back feels okay, its been crappy the last couple days. Also I hope that I dont have a repeat of last easter where I choked on coffee and sprayed it all over my nana and then threw up. It was one of the shining moments of my whole life .hahahahahah. I will never forget that either.


-- Love.
Jenmurdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

HEY.. HEY GUYS.

My myspace blog that I kept up for a year had its anniversary yesterday or two days ago or something. I thought that was pretty sweet, but I stopped updating that and now I guess I'll just work on this. Sunday is Easter, It's good friday today. This year is FLYING seriously. I finally have some direction too, SO LETS KEEP IT THAT WAY. I got free Rita's yesterday it was so quality. I think that things taste a lot better when they're free. My brother's learning to play guitar and I'm jealous of how good he's getting in like two weeks. Christ. I think this summer is going to bring things that are unexpected, and the good kind of unexpected and I for one cannot wait. I wish I was going to Earth Crisis tonight. That's all.


<3
-- Jenmurdaaa.

The sickness is a song by Disturbed.

it is really really really windy. windy mitchell.




-- Jenmurdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

scooters, vacation, fall.

Fall.
Fall into.
Fall into what.
Fall into what you.
Fall into what you belive.
Fall into what you believe is.
Fall into what you believe is for.
Fall into what you believe is for you.

I am so confused.


-- Jenmurda.

Egg salad

I hate egg salad. I also hate macaroni salad with eggs. And potato salad with eggs. Just incase anyone was wondering. I'm asssuming you were, you know. I think I just hate eggs in general. This is all stemming from the fact that I'm watching Ham on the Street with my dad right now and the episode is all about eggs and some hoe just put blueberry, cherry, cream cheese, bacon ad cheddar cheese in an omelette. I think I threw up.
In other news I started school again today. It was retarded as usual. AAAAAND I just lost all interest in writing anymore in here.
So that's all.


-- Jenmurdaaaa.

For Real Bros

I've been adding bro to the end of every single sentence I've said for the past two days. Seriously. Its probably getting relatively annoying haha.
Last night was so ridiculous I can't even put it into words. The pictures and videos pretty much explain it all. And I need to buy a wii, NOW.
Kelly and I went to Cebulas for pizza tonight, I love their pizza but I seriously think that it gave us food poisoning because we're both mad sick. Ugh.
I don't know what to say except for that it's been one hell of a spring break. My dad ended up having heart surgery in the beginning of the week but he feels good now. It was just really scary. I have the best parents ever, regardless of if they're strict and whatnot I don't care. I love them. I am so greatful for them I can't even express.They're so supportive of anything that I want to do, I don't know what I'd do without them<3.
And then my Aunt Florence is in the hospiteal and they don't know if she's going to make it because she has bad alzheimers and cancer. It really never fails. March comes in like a lion and it sure as hell better go out like a lamb.
My back has been really good lately, I hope that typing this isn't going to jinx it hahah. I just want to be better, it's so frustrating.
I'm going to bed now because daylight savings time started today and the clocks roll back an hour, I hate it.

EVERY HOOD'S THE SAME.

-- JENMURDAAAAAA.

well well well..

WHAT A SERIOUS PILE OF RUBBISH. FORREAL.
this week is awful.

My papa said come on home..

So basically, it's March already. When did that happen? Seriously? This year is flying already.
I played bingo last night with tia jonny nolan courtney and mike, it was intense like usual. Tia and Courtney both won and so did this fucking fantastic old lady that was sitting next to us. She was hilarious forreal. She ended up winning the jackpot which was hilarious because she was talking about how she used to win all the time and she hadn't in a really long time. So i was happy for her. She told us about her grandson and stuff too and how he was really messed up with things I guess and he joined the army and it straightened him out. She thought it was awesome that most of us were straightedge, I think it's awesome too haha. So afterwards we went to the casino and gambleddddddd. I think its out of control that there's a casino like literally 15 seconds from my house. I never thought I'd see the day haha I haven't won yet but I'm thinking relatively soon. Which would be sweeeeeeeet.
Tonight I'm going to Barnes with Kelly and Matt. I haven't been there a lot lately so I'm pretty pumped. I want a marshmallowmocha. and it better be good. That's all I have to say.



WHO THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU FUCKIN' WITH IM THE FUCKIN' BOSS. -- rick ross<3

-- JENMURDAAAAAAAAAA.

Rick Ross..

I think that Rick Ross does guest vocals on every rapper alive's tracks. Forreal. Also, what the hell is a mayback? Maybach? haha I have no idea. I should probably look that up.
In other news, school is going really well this semester. I like all my classes I think it might be because I only really have like four, but whatev. I've lost all interest in law though, seriously. I was so dead set on being a lawyer and then I took this class and I'm like, HELL NO BROSEPH, not for me. So I'm basically right back where I started. Who knows where I'll end up. I'd love to read this in 10 years when I'm living my life and see what I wrote now. I hope there's a way that I can, or maybe I should just keep a regular journal. I'm lame. haha
I cannot wait for summer and everything that comes along with it. I really wanna go swimming and go for walks and sit on my deck and tan and wear tshirts and flipflops. Ugh. haha Only like 4 more months.
But then again, some of my best friends are leaving me this summer. They're moving to different places and that's going to suck big time. I'm gonna miss them a lot. I don't wanna lose touch with them either because I have that tendency and I'm just not going to let it happen this time. Yes.
In other other news Kelly and I are going to Syracuse this weekend hopefully to hang out with Jon and go to his show and stuff. That should be a goood timeee. I havent' seen him since June and Kelly and I on a road trip is going to be 100 percent HILARIOUS. Holler.
In other other other news I made rice krispie treats tonight and they are the best things in the entire world. I'm a rice krispie treat champ.


ERRYDAY I'M HUSTLINNNNNNNNNNNNN'.

-- JENMURDA. <33

Everything I've ever wanted..

I just have to say. Sometimes everything you think, isn't EXACTLY what it seems, but better.
i want it.


everything i've ever wanted
sits within my reach
it's just a matter of time and distance
and what you've begun to preach.
hold it in. for as long as you can.
breathe out when you feel doubtful.
this is it.
the one chance we have to make it right.
everything i've ever wanted.
and nothing that i need.

Whats up with that?

I haven't been myselg at all lately. I don't know why either. I just know I don't like it. Christ. =/


-- Jenmurda.

Laughed until we cried..

I just listened to a song by Jason Aldean called Laughed Untinl We Cried. It's country. I like country but regardless, it made me cry. I don't cry easily but this one hit a nerve. It talked about being in high school and like I don't know just going on vacation with your friends and being happy and laughing until you can't anymore. I miss those days. Things were a hell of a lot easier. Things have changed so much since then. I've changed so much, it's unbelieveable. My life is much better now though so I guess I don't really miss it that much. Then the song talked about this grandfather and the family gathering around the christmas tree and everyone telling stories and stuff and laughing really hard and it being the grandfather's last christmas. So then I thought about my family and the rare times when everyone is all together and how much fun we have and how my nana is always the center of attention. I just wish those times would happen more often. You know? I don't know, this is depressing.
I really want to go shopping and buy new clothes but I don't have a lot of cashmoney for the 99 and the 2000 right now. Fuck. aklsjdlakdjalkdja.
I just got really annoyed.

-- Jenmurda.

Suppose I never ever met you..

I'm going to pick up my bass again and start to play. I miss it and I think I have a lot more motivation to actually get somewhere with it this time. We shall see, since I'm basically teaching myself, this should be a mofuggin' trip. In other news I had my first biochem test of the semester on Monday. It was hard, but not ridiculous like I expected, plus I studied a shit ton for it. I really like biochem and Saladino he's a nut forreal. With the most ridiculous new york accent in the history of accents. I like to see people like him because it gives me hope that I can maybe get somewhere someday you know? He didn't know what he wanted to do when he was growing up and neither do I so maybe I'm not as behind as I think that I am. Maybe I'll be a biochemist? I doubt it but you never know. In other other news I love Regina Spektor. I don't know why I wasn't into her before, but I really dig her stuff. I found another grill in my house today, I plan on using it. I love grills. and weaves. and ridiculousness. I think im going to make a list of things that make me happy.
THEY ARE THE FOLLOWING:
chemistry. elements. best friends and knowing who they are. ridiculousnesss. being creepy. the movie twister. hair dye. laughing until i cry, and doing so often. interesting conversation. baking. thunderstorms in the snow. snow in general. lightning. rain. liking clouds more than sun. weather in general. beards. chinese food. video games. times between friends when everything just clicks. tickling. driving with the windows down. lots of blankets. cute text messages. text messages altogether. long distance friendships. taking back sunday. painting. writing poems that dont make sense at all. the first week of warm weather after winter is over. differential equations. rap music. stuntin'. wilford brimley. iced tea. abstract art. hoodies that fit just right. taking notes when handwriting is perfect. when you think that everything has fallen apart around you and then things start to fall back together. carl sticks. soup. new jeans. swimming. sunglasses. when people give you chances you know you deserve. cutlass cieras and buick centuries and chevy celeb's. a mandy moore lifestyle. headbands. gorilla zoe. shoes that look GOOD. noodles. casual flirtation. acronyms and abbreviations. CHUCK NORRIS. being approximately 90 years old. new friends, old friends. when things change for the better. pizza. rockband. taking mass amounts of pictures. MASTODON. the word HOLLER. captain ron. all metal all the time. sing a longs. long nights. when a best friend is just like you. jinxes. halloween. morgan freeman and things narrated by him. when the sun is so bright its blinding. the smell of summer. when lyrics describe a situation to a t. expressions. ritas italian ice. ring tones. charcoal drawings. my parents/brother/nana. when my aunts and nana pretend they're gangsta. supreme court justices. hugs. =)

a couple two tree..

aksdjalskjda. There are so many things I want to write about but the ideas won't leave my brain. I got a job, I dyed my hair and I'm going for chinese food in about a half hour. I have a headache.
Every unattainable goal.
I have the funniest friends in the history of existence. Seriously.
That's all for right now.


Flats look like flapjacks, PANCAKES? he ain't know.

-- Jenmurdaaaaaaa.

RIDICULOUSNESS

Seriously, I'm a sucker for anything ridiculous. like this: http://www.whiskerclub.org/news/images/beards.jpg
I have a bad beard addiction. I'm seriously in love with them. I wish I could grow one and it wouldn't be socially unacceptable.
I need a Walter P. Chrysler Chrysler 300 Signature Series. FORREAL.

I don't want to write anymore.

I'm going to listen to Croxley at breakfast tomorrow, if you get that reference, i love you.

-- Jenmurdaaaaaaaa.

SO ICY

When i was driving home tonight it was so icy, I literally almost died like 41 times, give or take. Also, I got lost in like fucking, Kingston of all places. How is that even possible?
That's about all I have to say. I have a headache and I'm going to go to bed.

finito.

MONEY CARS AND CLOTHES, ATTRACT ALL THE HOESSSS.

-- Jenmurdaaaaaaa.

Let me see your hips swing

I can't stop listening to the Juno soundtrack. It's so fucking good. Kimya Dawson's lyrics are so like.. I don't know it just seems like stuff that is utterly ridiculous but relatable at the same time. On another note, Juno was the cutest movie, seriously. I loved it so much. Michael Cera is ADORABLE. The dialog and the whole concept of the movie was just awesome. So I'm gonna suggest that if you haven't seen it, GET ON THAT because you're missing out. big time.
I went out for dinner tonight with megan and amanda and their friend don. It was ridiculous as usual. You knowwwwww. I can't wait to go to the beach with them later in the summer, I can just imagine how insane thats going to be. forreal. I need some insanity in my life.
That's all.

-- Jenmurdaaaaaaaaa.

LOL valentine LOL

This could not be more true. hahahaha. Seriously.

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love. You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!) Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

I'll write more later, I'm gonna take a naaaaap.

I'm in love with Big Black from Rob and Big. He needs to be my valentine.

-- Jenmurda. ftw.

Sup 8am?

So basically, I'm at school. It's approximately 8:21. My class normally starts at 8 on the dot but due to a god damn OVERFLOW of e-mails from my Shakespeare class I missed the memo that we didn't have to be here til' basically 8:40. Therefore making the class only 35 minutes. I'm fuckin pumpedddddd. Not pumped to be here early because my back kills, as usual but pumped because i only have to sit through 35 minutes of differential equations instead of an hour and 15 minutes. hahaha I just re-read that and realized how sad that is haha it's the little things in life. Like chuck norris, and iced tea, and being able to sleep without having steroids keep you up or just being able to sleep without being in pain for that matter since it's been about 8 months, give or take. In other news I have a Dr's appt. today with a new doctor. Hopefully he can prescribe me an anti- inflammatory or something and I can start to go back to physical therapy and get this shit better. Fo'realreal.

If ya scared go to church, this rap shit is easy every beat I get i MURDAAAA'.

-- jenmurda.

SOMETHING JUST ATE BARRY CARTWRIGHT.

It was superbowl sunday today. The giants won. It was ridiculous and I'm pretty sure that big mike ran out the front door after they won and screamed at the top of his lungs NEW YORK GIANTS, HOLY SHIT. haha It was one of the funniest things i've ever seen. I'm happy that he was happy though, I like when other people are happy.

I haven't seen my friends in about two weeks because I've been basically paralyzed with this back crap. I'm on steroids for it now. They keep me up all night. It's the worst feeling. I hate it. I miss them a lot haha after all the changes that took place over the end of last year etc. I'm so happy with the people I'm friends with now. Things happen, people change, things change you can't help it. I think though that I finally found out what real friends are. Maybe I knew all along but I just never realized, you know? Sometimes you're blinded by so many things that it's hard to see things for what they really are/could be. In short, I'm liking 2008 so far, except for this whole herniated disc thing but I'm hoping that goes away soon, I know it won't but I can always hope right?

Also, I'm in love with aliens and UFO's. They showed this chemist woman on the special I was watching on the history channel. She was ridiculous, and was in a lab by herself with all her chemicals and her tools. It was insane. She was doing UFO research, I know I said in my last post that I couldn't see myself in a lab working with chemicals but if it was for UFO research THAT'D BE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT STORY. seriously. I'd end up like the dude in independence day with the crazy long gray hair that's all 'they don't let us out much'. I need to find area 51. I need to find the lochness monster. I need to get out of this country and find things. I need to explore. WHO WANTS TO GO?!

On a sidenote, I just had an hour long text jamboree with Jon Davis of Evolution quotes. It was insane. He needs to not live so far away. Pi7Etc.

That picture is the periodic table in my room. It's the love of my life.

Last time I checked Mill Creek Acres was hood.

-- Jenmurdaaaaaaaa.

so anything else new?

Did you ever wish that your life took a different course of events? like.. am I really where I'm supposed to be right now? Something is nagging at me and telling me that I'm not. Every chemistry major I've ever met is SO INTO science and knows precisely what they want to do after graduation and has their life all planned out, and I'm just not and I can't force myself to be either. A lot of my interests lie outside of science, like I love photography however cliche that sounds and I love fashion, however unbelievable that may sound. I love advertisement and I also love philosophy. I just love all forms of art in general including writing. In short I'm thinking that chemistry isn't really where I'm supposed to be, I'm not meant to work in a lab all my life. I'm not going to discover the next medicine you're going to see on your shelves. That's just not me. Sometimes I wish that it was and other times I'm happy with what I am and what I'm interested in. I also thought i wanted to be a lawyer but now I don't think I'm feelin' that either. I just don't know what to do. I wish I wasn't three years into this already. I wish I didn't declare a major right off the bat. I'm just asking for a do-over.
On top of that, my back is regressing to where it was in October. If it gets to there I'm going to die, seriously. I won't be able to handle it for another semester. I scraped through last semester on my knees, I still got good grades though, god knows how. I'll probably be looking at surgery if this doesn't get better and I LITERALLY can't handle that. I dont have 5 weeks of recovery time, nor do i want a gaping hole cut into my back and a piece of my spine removed.
Again, I'm asking for a do-over.


- Jenmurda. xxx.

I listened to rap music all the way to school today.
Reading Chuck Norris facts makes me laugh, hard.
I have to go buy a book now for a night class wherein I have to read 200 pages by tonight.
Hell yes, I rule.


Jenmurda for the win.
<3

woah. haaaay.

So basically, I started this up on account of the fact that my myspace blog was getting old and relatively boring.
I probably won't even update it that often, nor will people read it, or maybe they will because its titled get creepy. haha Regardless, I'm not even sure what to write. So I'm going to leave it at that for now.
I'll get back to you.

Jenmurdaaaaa.