This time..

Shine a light, shine a light on me please. Like I said in the post before this, I don't know what's been eating at me lately. However, it really hit home when I found out that my Aunt Florence passed away this morning. RIP, i love you<3. That's all I'm going to say about it because to explain the rest of it, I'd sound crazy because it'd comeout in pieces, I can't type everything that's inside my head.
Then after Jon left this morning I went to church, went to school for a scholarship thing, came home and showered and stuff, then went with my mom to pick up my nana. After we got nana, I came home and sat down for literally two minutes. Then went to big jake's bithday party. I want to say it was a really good time but I can't bring myself to do so. I'm positive it's because I was really, the only single one there. There was Megan and Will and Sallyann and Tracy and Lindsay and John and Linda and JimCasey. So I ended up like a forreal 16th wheel. I just felt so awkward and out of place with my friends. Granted Will and Megan are hilarious and so is everyone else it was just like, I was by myself. Like I am all the time. We even went to take a picture at the end like we do every year and we got one with all the girls, and then we took one with the boys and everyone paired up with their boyfriends and there I was, standing there the odd man out. I didn't even know where to stand. It was like a prom picture and I didn't have a date, again. That might seem so so so so so so petty and make me look like an idiot, but whatever. It bothered me.
It just made me sad. Most of the time I'm fine by myself, independent, but then there's times like this when I wish that I could have someone to bring with me? Someone to always be there for things? A real life boyfriend/bestfriend? You know? Someone to hug every now and then? Someone to watch movies with? Someone who doesn't care if we just hang out at my house for 15 hours?

I know I'm not the one, I know I am not the one.

- Jen.

I GUESS..

Some things never go the way you expect them to.

Then you realize your expectations were really only dreams plotted out in your mind to make something better than it ever could be. Something that can never be achieved and I'm sure that's why they call it a dream. I think the worst feeling though is realizing that your dream will never be that realization that you hoped and pondered over for so long. Something you can touch, taste, feel, see etc. It's not materializing and I don't think we can handle that sometimes. Because we get so caught up in whats going on and who we are then to look at reality and the reality of everything around us. I think if we all took a little more time to look at what's REAL rather than what's inside our heads (that we're nitpicking every single second)then maybe life would be easier than what it is.
I don't know why I'm writing this or what my motivation is. What the Hell?
I think the thing I hate the most are expectations. Expectations on how to act, and how to conduct things, and how to be socially acceptable. Fuck socially acceptable.

I am so frustrated right now that I can't even write. Seriously. I don't know why. I want to like rip my bones out from the inside if that even makes sense. Something is eating at me, and I just wish that I could figure out what it is already. It's hard to admit but it's the same feeling for the last two months. I just wish I knew what it was. =(

And on top of that I'm lonely.

This just keeps getting better.

-- Jen. 117

When I was 14 I was fallin' fast..

So, since the new laptop I realized how much I actually listened to music. haha I really miss all the stuff that was on my old computer but maybe this is a sign for me to move on. Maybe I need to forget about the past and concern myself with new things. I know I've been saying that for a while. I've been telling myself the same thing but just never doing anything about it. Maybe it's time for a change. So I'm going to work on it. That will be the goal for this summer. Do everything I've always been too afraid to do. That's it for now. I'm going to watch the rest of ugly betty and then greys anatomy and then I'm going to bed. I'm exceptionally tired tonight and this weekend is promising some ridiculousness. haha And I can't wait.

-- <3

Jenmurdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Seriously..

I have the absolute best parents alive, forreal. My laptop broke today, like full on man down. I was freaking out about it and didn't know what to do. My mom and I took it to best buy to see if they could fix it, but they said my motherboard was SHOT. Which is exceptionally weird because this was the second motherboard I've gone through since I got the computer. That is definitely not normal. So then I was really sad because a new motherboard costs like 500 dollars. But my parents stepped in there and offered to buy me a new laptop, whichever one I wanted. I ended up getting a brand new HP Pavilion laptop and it is seriously beautiful. You can burn dvd's, engrave things into actual burned cd's, its got 3 gigs of memory and a killer graphics card and all these other super fun features. I'm so happy with it it's insane. I am so greatful for my parents. I know a lot of people don't have the best relationships with their parents so I feel exceptionally lucky to have mine. They do so much for me the past year with my back and everything it's about time that I start doing nice things for them.

In other news, the summer countdown is approximately 11 days.

I'm making dirt with my chem fam tomorrow, that should be fun.

-- Jenmurda.

Country..

If you're calling about my heart.. it's still yours.
I should have listened to it a little more.

I need to figure out my life, not school, my legit life.

I'm going for ice cream with Kelly now, and I'm wearing a skirt, and it looks like it's going to thunderstorm, I'm kind of pumped about it.

-- Jenmurda.

Creepy Professor Party Time..

I went to a party at Dr. Saladino's hizzle today. Man. It was craaaaaazy. First of all, everyone forgot directions, so we were following this kid Jonathan there and I swear to christ he was driving like literally 110 miles an hour, because I was going at least 95 and still couldnt catch up to him. So there we are, no directions, trusting pure instinct hah but we caught up eventually and followed them to the house. Speaking of it was absolutely gorgeous. It was this huge lake house, with pillars and white leather couches and a huge kitchen and even bigger basement. A beautiful outside deck with a fantastic view. I thought that this party was going to be mad creepy but it was actually really really fun. Dr. Duffy and his wife and dog were there so I was pumped that I finally got to meet them hahah. Pedersen made it, as well as Dr. Touhey, wife and son in tow, along with Dr. Coniglio and not to mention 15 students, total. Linda brought JimCasey and big jake with her, so that was a good time. We got some cute pictures, ate Saladino home cooked food and hung out. We ended up staying a lot longer than we originally planned but it's all good. It was a good day altogether. It made me realize how lucky I am to have such fantastic friends. It also made me feel a little better knowing that I'm going to have good people in my labs next year, people I get along with and stuff because I'm not with my chemfam next year so I was worried about it haha I'm such a freaking nerd. But I can bet anyone that I'm 100 percent different than any science major you've ever met. That's for sure.

Also, it made me kind of sad that Saladino was living in that huge beautiful house, with his nice... well pretty much everything haha all by himself. He has all these beautiful things and no one to share them with. It just made me sad I think because I pictured myself in that situation. Like, me in this huge house, with everything I could ever want, and it was just me, alone. I have a feeling I'm heading there, with a bunch of cats. =( haha I hate when this happens. Forreal. Like, I just feel lonely sometimes. Like right now is a perfect example, when we got back from the party, Lindsay was going to her boyfriends house, Megan was going to go back to school and then home with her boyfriend for today/sunday, Sallyann and Tracy were going back to her house to hang out, Linda and JimCasey were going to jersey to hang out with her family, and where am i? I'm home. By myself. It just kind of sucks sometimes when everyone's like OH im going to go do this with my bf or I bought him such and such for christmas and I kind of sit there like "well this is nice".

My life will never change. It doesn't matter how old I get, I always feel the same.

- Jen

Just one second..

I just had one of those moments in your life when everything makes sense.
This happens really really really rarely with me. haha I never know what the hell I'm doing or where I'm going with anything, but for some reason right now everything is clicking. I'm getting things done, I'm saying how I really feel, I'm making my friendships stronger, I'm actually accomplishing school to the best of my ability, It's almost summer, I feel like if I needed to that I could say how I feel and not worry about it, no selfconsciousness etc. Maybe it's growing up, maybe it's getting older, maybe it's none of these things. But all I know is that I'm in an exceptionally good place in my life and even if it's just for today then I'll go with it.

I am happy.

-- Jenmurda.

I miss..

I miss two summers ago. When things were so much fun. Not that I like hate my life now, I just don't like being older and having more responsibility.

In other news, I finished almost all the work I have to get done for this semester.
I wrote a 14 page brief yesterday night in three whole hours. It was so intense but I have to say, as gay as it sounds, I was really proud of myself for getting it done, and sticking to it.

This weekend should be fun, huge show tomorrow night, and Saladino Shindig on Saturday afternoon. I'm really pumped to see Dr. Duffy. And inform him that I finally have some sort of direction in my life. And then who knows what on Sunday, maybe bingo?! That'd be mad fun, we haven't gone in a while. I'll be Ann misses us. hahahaha. TEAM BINGO!

That's all for now I'm gonna go take a nap before law class tonight.

We Keep It So G-A-N-G-S-T-A.

-- Jenmurdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Reflect.

I'm having an edge party tonight, it's bound to be ridiculous.

I taught big don how to play guitar hero today, that was also ridiculous.


-- Jenmurdaaaaaaaaa.

whatever

I'm so incredibly sick of everything.
Seriously.
I hope this weekend is fun!

I think that I've watched the movie twister over 200 times. Maybe more than that even. I don't know why I like it so much. Bill Paxton, Helen Hunt etc. I can quote all the lines. It's insane.
I need to plan a party. hahahaha. for what I can't say but I need to get on it.

-- Jenmurda.

You caught me off guard..

Now i'm running and screaming. etc. etc.
I'm so bored and I'm thinking about my life. I've figured out that when I want something really really bad, when it finally comes my way or kind of comes my way I push it away. I've done it recently and it was a horrible move, but what else is new. haha. I just saw a commercial that said almost giving is the same as not giving at all. I think that pretty much sums up my current situation.
Charleton Heston died today? or last night? I just found that out now. That's weird. I liked him, he was an alright dude. He was in the ten commandments movie which i have a strange liking for. If I wasn't straightedge I'd pour out a 40 for Charlie. Hell maybe I'll do it anyway. Like the time I was at the chinese restaurant and the dude bought 7 forties. I should have just asked him for one. However he was a drug dealer so that probably would have ended badly.
I'm in such a weird mood right now. I'm busting out witty statements left and right. It's kind of ridiculous.
Everyone I asked to hang out today told me no. It was weird so I went out by myself. Just to get some taco bell. I really wanted ritas but I guess that'll have to wait until sometime during the week. Actually probably tomorrow.
I love college basketball so much.
My mind is all over the place.
It's 11:33 on a Sunday night and I'm watching Two and a Half Men on FOX.
My aunt Florence isn't doing well at all. My nana's been here all weekend to go see her. My Uncle Larry is also a mess, he has cancer too and is in the hospital as well. So everyone's kind of freaking out. Cancer makes me really nervous. I think it's why I want to go into biochem so I can do drug research and who even knows, maybe come up with a cure for cancer. That would be crazy. I would love to do that. I doubt it'll happen, but one can dream. At least I've developed some direction in my life since I posted in here a couple weeks ago. I want to get my phD in Biochem and possibly pharmacology. I think that'll the best for me.
I think that's all I'm going to write for now. I'm getting tired.

-- Jenmurda.

HEY.. HEY GUYS

Tonight was seriously so much fun.
Despite the fact that my back and hip area went numb for approximately 39 minutes.
I want Ritas.
I want to play rockband.
I'm mad tired now though so I'm going to bed, holla.


-- Jenmurdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Seein' Red...

Boys don't like chemists I guess, plain and simple.


-- Jennnnmmuurrddaaaaa.

Oh man.

I was in a relatively good mood today. And then I went out for a while and came home and completely deflated. I have no idea why. I'm not mad or anything I'm just incredibly... sad? lonely? Something like that. It's just weird because there's no real reason for it. Nothing that I could think of anyway. Maybe it's one of those like under the surface things that's bothering you but you don't want to admit it's bothering you therefore you have no desire to figure out what it is.
I think I might need to get out of this town, like bad. I'm so sick of the same thing, all the godddamn time.
My life is at a stand still it feels like. I'm sick of living for everyone else. I want to do my own thing, what's the problem with that you ask? I don't know how.

-- Jen.

You'll never live this down, you'll never live this down..

There's seriously 4 weeks of school left, as of today. approximately 29 days. I don't even know what to do. I have SO MUCH to do. I have to come up with a service project for dead alchemist society, as well as a fundraiser, I also have to write a brief for law, do two in depth shakespeare projects, a biochem project, a diff. eq. test and two problem sets, more biochem tests as well as figuring out my life and what I'm going to research next year and seeing if I could do some research this summer. I am going to explode. If I still have brain cells by the end of this semester I want to start this summer off right. I want to do awesome things. I can't wait to see what's in store. Another thing I forgot is signing up for orientation. Hot damn, I need to get reccomendations for that. ALIJSDJALKSJDLAKSJDA.
I'm hanging out with kelly tomorrow because I havent seen her in an inordinate amount of time.
I hope this weekend is fun. =)


After the party it's the waffle house.

-- Jenmurdaaaaaaaaaaaa. <3