encapsulated

I was looking about 10 minutes ago at old pictures or just pictures I came across you know and I don't know why but it's so hard for me to see the way my life used to be. When you see your life encapsulated in a picture or set of pictures with different people in different places, laughing hysterically, being ridiculous, I'm trying to think of an easy way to explain this and I can't, but like it makes me miss it so much. Not miss it in the sense that I miss living that life because I don't really.. I like my life now better than I ever have.. but miss it in the way that I wonder how things would be if some things never changed. Where would I be? Who would I be? Would I still be a chem major? Would I look like I do? Not that that even effects those things but in a way it does. I wish I could make more sense out of this, it makes sense in my head haha.
In other news, I went to see my Aunt Florence in hospice tonight. She has cancer of the esophagus and it spread to her liver and she's just not doing well at all. I volunteered to take my nana to see her because that's my nana's favorite sister and my mom etc. couldn't go because she's sick. So I walk in with my cousin's Alison and Sarah who I don't get to see all the time because we're all at school and whatnot and Alison was like prepare yourself because it's probably going to be worse than you expect. And it was. Her skin was just so yellow and she was so skinny and couldn't eat. But all that put aside my 7 of my other cousins were there and I love to see my family but she was SO HAPPY to see everyone there. Seriously. She kept saying "I'm so happy everyone's here and I'm so happy and I love all of you, you're all my grand children". This made me really sad, this lady is on the verge of death and all she wanted was to see her whole family there and we were but that's probably the last time I'll see her. It just makes me want to cry because when I see her and my nana together I know how they were once always joking around and stuff and my nana tries to make her laugh and everything and I don't know, it's just sad. The other thing about my Aunt Florence, we always used to have thanksgiving at her house and everyone would get together and it would be ridiculous. We just don't do that anymore and its depressing. Also my Aunt Florence always used to tell me how pretty I looked( I don't care how cliche that sounds she's really the only one who ever told me.) even if I looked like visible crap, which is usually. I'll always remember that, forever. I was glad though that the last time I saw her, albeit probably the last, she was happy and laughing and joking. That's how it should be for everyone. And a lesson? Don't smoke. Seriously. Smoking is disgusting and you're visibly killing yourself. And you smell like cigarettes all the time, attractive right?

It's easter tomorrow, I hope that it's a good one. I hope my back feels okay, its been crappy the last couple days. Also I hope that I dont have a repeat of last easter where I choked on coffee and sprayed it all over my nana and then threw up. It was one of the shining moments of my whole life .hahahahahah. I will never forget that either.


-- Love.
Jenmurdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.